Ladies and gentlemen ...

Welcome once again to The Great Utah Polygamy Farce. And now it's time to relax and enjoy the show. Let's pick up the conversation among Tom Green and his five wives, just as they got the ruling from 4th District Judge Donald Eyre that Green could not leave the state over the weekend.

Were they distraught?

Were they furious?

Were they ... even in Juab County?

No!

Green and two of his five brides were in New York when Eyre's decision was rendered.

Talk about closing the barn door after the horse, etc., etc. Hey, did I tell you that prosecutor David Leavitt's one-man crusade against Green -- the admitted polygamist who lives about 100 miles west of nowhere -- would turn into a circus? Did I?

Heck, we haven't even gotten to the preliminary hearing (set for June 29) and already this thing has begun to look like a Marx Brothers movie.

OK, shall we try to piece together this latest act? Just for a few laughs?

Green's attorney, John Bucher, made a request that his client be allowed to leave Utah for a few days in New York -- merely to fulfill a commitment made months ago.

Judge Eyre apparently waited until Friday to rule that Green's only excursions outside the state must be work-related trips to Nevada.

By that time, however, ol' Tom was gone.

It seems Green had been invited to Docufest 2000, a celebration of real-life documentaries that included a British production featuring the entire Green clan and the world of plural marriage.

So Green and two of his wives were in the famous Algonquin Hotel when news of Judge Eyre's ruling finally reached them. "We hadn't heard anything back, so my attorney told me to go ahead and go," said Green, who planned to use the trip to raise money for his legal expenses.

Here's another zinger: Green didn't get the news from Juab County officials or his attorney, but from producers of the TV show, "Inside Edition."

Sheesh.

Anyhow, Green couldn't exactly zoom right back home, so ...

"I was just hoping I wouldn't get arrested in the middle of the screening of our documentary," he said.

The man has managed to maintain some sense of humor during this ridiculous comedy, which is more than we can say for Leavitt, the overzealous prosecutor.

Leavitt actually wanted Green jailed until his hearing and/or trial, calling him a flight risk -- perhaps the most hilarious motion in the history of jurisprudence. The prosecutor wasn't joking, either.

As his justification for throwing Green into semi-permanent lockup, Leavitt told Judge Eyre that Green had been quoted in a Scottish magazine saying he'd flee to Canada if the prosecution got "too hot."

Oh, right.

Can't you just picture Tom and his family of 30-some trying to steal off in the dead of night?

Meanwhile, Green hasn't bothered to hide from anybody. He not only contacted members of the Utah media from New York, he called the Juab County Sheriff's Department to notify everyone of his whereabouts.

Which, by the way, is entirely consistent with the fact that Green and his wives truly believe that God's law trumps anything that might come out of a Nephi courthouse.

Nonetheless, you can bet that Leavitt was incensed by Green's trip to New York and will slap him with a few more absurd charges for bolting to the Big Apple.

Unbelievable.

And we haven't even gotten to the preliminary hearing. Unless you're a Juab County taxpayer, this is a real hoot.

Phone Steve Cameron at 344-2553 or reach via e-mail: SteveSyl@webtv.net.