My favorite new TV show is HBO's "Big Love," about a man living with three wives in a disguised compound he's carved out in a cookie-cutter subdivision somewhere in Utah.

The women adore their shared husband, but he clearly has the biggest love, if you will, for his first wife.

The others, called "sister wives," are add-ons, given every third night with this very ordinary looking and bizarrely earnest owner of a home improvement store.

Over the years, I've heard many women say that what they really need is a wife and now I get it.

As depicted on "Big Love," it doesn't look too bad.

You cook only every third night, if at all. Some of the wives seem to conveniently be absent during much of the meal preparation.

There are so many kids that you always have built-in babysitters hanging around wearing those ghastly hair combs and beatific smiles.

I asked my husband how he'd feel about having a few extra wives around here and he hadn't looked this happy since "McGyver" came out on DVD.

"No, no, no, don't go getting the wrong idea," I told him. "Just some extra wives to help me clean the house, tend the Princess and carve out a little mani-pedi time."

"Where's McGyver?" he asked, suddenly looking grouchy.

Mormons hate "Big Love" because they're afraid it's going to get the rest of us riled up about the image of 80-year-old men marrying 14-year-old girls and such, but I don't think they should worry.

We know Mormons don't do that stuff anymore, except for a few inbred nut jobs that splintered off to cult-land and live in caves without cable or Starbuck's, so we know they're all crazy.

Much to the frustration of the Mormons, polygamists seem to mostly hang out in Utah, giving rise to the belief that mainstream Mormons are still kinky into it.

You don't ever hear about any polygamists in the South and that's because Southern women don't share things.

You honestly believe a Southern woman is going to share her husband when she won't even share her recipe for chicken salad? Oh, hail no.

Billly Bob will never have five mommies.

Southern women are innately territorial when it comes to our men.

If another woman so much as looks at our husbands, we'll tighten our grip on his arm like a python with a live chicken.

I couldn't be one of many wives.

I prefer to nag and belittle one man at a time. Plus, I look really stupid in a prairie skirt.

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