SaraKay Smullens is a Philadelphia writer and family therapist

The lure of the HBO television show Big Love is, at first glance, the sex life of Bill Hendrickson, husband of three, head of a suburban, landscaped polygamist compound. Big Love's creators, Mark V. Olsen and Will Scheffer, have enticed viewers by saying that their work will help us judge if we are pro or con polygamy.

But what if the real theme of the show is not polygamy at all, but rather another fantasy - the idea of never leaving home, with no one leaving or joining, maybe with a bit more space, all growing older in this togetherness? Big Love offers this flight of imagination, one complicated by the oedipal conflict run amok: daughters and mom competing for dad; daughters winning his favor, at great cost to their self-esteem and ability to develop a fulfilling life in the real world.

The Sopranos uses the Mafia as Big Love uses polygamy: As a brilliant hook to draw in the viewer. In The Sopranos, Tony is simply an extreme version of the Everyman who wants to be a successful son, husband, and father while hating himself for the work he does. We can pretend, however, that the infidelities, the betrayals, the losses, the terrors portrayed do not threaten our little world because, after all, the menacing Mafia has nothing to do with us.

Similarly, Big Love, in a fresh, spirited and provocative way, addresses the rivalries, longings, and fears that threaten every family, as well as the external dangers of betrayal and ruthlessness confronting us all. We watch and recognize - and yet we remain safe, comforted that the conflicts and fears are not really about us. For, after all, we are not polygamists.

While seeming to satirize the contradictions of monogamous heterosexual marriage, the writers force us to examine three of the most complicated psychological challenges of family life: the sexual attractions, conflicts, and choices of family members; the fear within the family of separating; and the essential challenge before us all to become adults.

To achieve adulthood is to develop the capacity for a shared sexual and emotional intimacy in a committed and loving partnership - and to withstand temptations that threaten or compromise this promise.

Yet even for those who accomplish the task of growing up, there is that frequent family fantasy: Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all just stay the way we are now?

With equal parts levity and sympathy, the writers examine unfinished, damaging and unwieldy psychological loose ends. A partner may not give love and support to an ailing husband or wife, turning to a family member or outside figure in hurtful and seductive ways. Enter wife number one, Barb, an enticing woman and a true beauty. When Barbara developed cancer, Bill had the divine vision that more wives were necessary for his well-being. In masochistic "the-things-we-do-for-love" tradition, Barb went along with her husband's wish, and she, too, now lives in denial of her pain and pays a horrific price.

Enter wife number three, Margene, a good-natured, sweet-tempered, sensual girl-child-not-yet-woman looking for mommy and daddy. Through Bill and Barbara, she has found them and - in a bizarre sort of child abuse - has become the lonely, day-to-day sitter of all of the children. She has also begun a dangerous flirtation with Bill and Barb's son.

Bill Hendrickson, played by Bill Paxton, is a businessman trying to franchise his hardware store despite two dangerous challenges. The first is that of keeping three wives happy. His houses share a rambling backyard area, where festering rivalries are played out and the appeal of sweet togetherness is tested. Bill goes from house to house and bed to bed, gobbling Viagra like candy and fighting anxiety and exhaustion.

Bill's second challenge is dangerous in a different way. He owes the success of his first store to a loan from the despicable Prophet of the remote and stereotypic polygamous compound where Bill was raised. So enter the Prophet's daughter Nicki, wife number two, who in good-daughter mode nursed Barb back to health, but who will never know whether Bill married her (Nicki) for love or as part of a business deal. Nicki hides from her fear of being unloved and unlovable with compulsive spending and turns to her father to find respite that is ever denied.

Some fear that the appeal of Big Love will lead to an all-out effort to legalize polygamy. No way! This seemingly lighthearted but profound study is an argument for growing up. It shows how impossibly complicated life would be if we never left home and acted on all our family fantasies. It also may make us very careful of what we wish for - and very content with what we have.